To my son, on your first birthday

To my son, on your first birthday,

My boy. What a sweet little thing you are. You have the sweetest disposition. I can't believe how incredibly much I love you. You're a great little cuddler and know just when to lay your head on my chest, pat my shoulder and say, "Mama." Your first year was a year of big changes in our family and you just go with the flow. You love to be worn close to me but also like to look around and get down. But you quickly let me know that you aren't happy if I get out of your line of sight. "MAMA? Mama!?" you yell. You love to eat. Mostly meat and avocados. And fruit. And actually pretty much anything I put in front of me. You kill me with your waving and pointing. When you shake your little head, "no no no," I can't help but laugh. The sweet way you roll over on Nora and grab her face and just want to be near her makes me so happy. I love you my son. Always and forever. I want to show you how to be empathetic, and kind, and respectful. I want to teach you to shun arrogance and pride and embrace humility. I pray that The Lord gives me the wisdom to shepherd your heart and guide you down the right path. I pray that I may fill your heart with love. My sweet boy, you are one today. May you have many more years on this earth. I will always look at you and remember your sweet innocence. And I will always stand by you and hold your hand. I love you and happy birthday, John. 

The Birth of my Son, John: THE birth

Right before I reached 37 weeks, I moved to my mom and dad's house from our (just moved there 2 weeks before) house in Paris, Tx so I could be closer to the birth center. My parent's house is around 30ish minutes away and Paris is around 2 hours. At my 37 week appointment, Jean, my midwife and Patty, my birth assistant/midwife and I talked about some fear I was having of Wes not being able to make it to the birth since we thought I would go pretty quickly once things started. My birth with Nora from start to finish was around 4.5 hours. Mel, my sister, was by my side and went to appointments with me, and helped with Nora and was all set up to be my partner weather Wes was able to make it or not. We discussed an option of trying some non-medical induction methods to see if baby could be urged to come when Wes was in town. At my 37 week appointment I was around 3cm and 60ish percent effaced or thinned with baby's head engaged. Conditions were favorable so we decided when Wes came on Sunday, we would meet at the birth center and see if we could get some things going. If we were unable, I resigned myself to the fact that baby just wasn't ready and I would be ok with that too. I called one of my best friends, Jane and asked her if it would be ok if I labored at her house in Denton and just relaxed around there on Sunday while we were waiting for baby. Of course she said yes. I also found out that at my 36 week blood draw that my platelets were low so I would need to have a heplock in case I needed pitocin for postpartum hemorrhage. I was pretty pissed about that and really didn't want it but believed it was a valid concern.

I wanted Nora to be at the birth and for her to see the baby come out and share that special experience with her. The plan was as follows; meet Jean at the birth center on Sunday morning at around 10, do a membrane strip, go walk and pump to see if anything would get started, IF contractions started and stayed regular we would call mom and dad and have them bring Nora to see the birth then we all go home together. 

THE BIRTH:

Wes got to my parents house on Saturday night and I felt so relieved. I had some more prodromal labor that night and wasn't able to sleep much. We woke up Sunday morning and I put on comfy clothes (aka:the only pants that fit me), and some tennis shoes so I could walk Jane's neighborhood. I said goodbye to Nora and hugged her hard thinking it MAY be the last time she was my only child. My stomach was in knots. It was kind of a dreary, foggy, gray day. Cool outside but not enough for more than a jacket. We met Jean at the birth center and she checked me and I was still 3ish cm and 60 or so percent effaced. She did a membrane strip on me, which is separating the amniotic sac from the uterus which hurts really freaking bad. Its like a damn rotor rooter up your vagina. This was around 10:30 or so. She told us to go walk and pump and meet her back at around 1 or so to check again and we would evaluate from there. We went to Jane's house and Wes sat in the kitchen with Jason and BSed for a little while while Mel and I talked to Jane while she got ready to go to a family thing. We decided to go walk and I had a few contractions but nothing really time-able and we started back to Jane's as they were leaving. We watched an episode or 2 of That 70s Show and then at was about time to go back to the birth center to get checked again. I was at a 4/5 and pretty thinned out. Jean put some evening primrose oil caps in, and I put on a diaper, I mean huge uncomfortable pad. Like the huge kind that you swear everyone can see through your pants? I hate it. We went to Which Wich to eat. By this time it was around 2:00 or so? It took them literally an hour to get our sandwiches made and out to us. I was hungry and annoyed. Right as I started eating, I had a contraction. A real one. A breathe through it one. Then another like not even 5 minutes later. This pattern continued and we decided maybe we should go walk around the college campus across the street from the birth center. We got over there maybe 20 minutes after my first contraction it was around 4:15? and Patty checked me and I was at a 7 and fully effaced. I walked a little bit for a little bit more. I decided I wanted to go inside and rock on the ball. We were talking and listening to Motown and 60s/70s music and I starting thinking I may want to get in the tub and asked Patty to maybe start filling it up since it takes FOREVER. I put my hair up in a pony tail and I knew, it was getting serious. I went to the bathroom like 5 or more times in the next 30 minutes and continued contracting closer and closer together. I wanted in the tub. Now. It wasn't all the way full but I didn't care. Mel changed the music to Iron and Wine station. I hadn't planned a water birth because I didn't like the feeling of buoyancy with Nora and couldn't figure out how to arrange myself. Patty asked me what was important for this birth and I told her I wanted my body to push by itself and I wanted Wes to announce the sex. I had to get out of the tub and poop again and also get my heplock in. This was maybe at like 5/515? I was feeling kinda pushy but was telling myself all the corny birth and doula things like low noises, let the waves flow over you. I had to lay still on the bed and get the damn heplock in and I just really needed back in the damn tub. Ok, back in the tub. I was fully sinking my forehead into my arms, I was facing the side of the tub with legs crossed and holding Wes's hand.  I was allowing myself to just rest and ride the waves and let whatever noises come out, be low and loose. We had only been at the birth center for maybe like an hour? Mel texted Mom and dad and told them they needed to head that way. Then she said, quickly! You need to come! I said out loud I really needed to poop again and let out a really primal groan and Patty came in and told me, No you don't! Thats your baby! Sure enough, I looked down fully expecting to see poop all in the tub and half my baby's head was halfway out! My body was totally in control and I was just along for the ride. Wes was holding my hand tightly. My body pushed again and baby was out to the shoulders! One last push and baby was out. 2/16/14 at 6:24pm.  I was in complete and utter shock. I had just gotten in the tub! How is the baby already here? As Patty lifted the baby up I saw his testicles and said, "Its a boy. Sorry Wes." I had told him he could announce it so I felt bad. My sister sent a text with a picture of his face to my parents. They came in a few minutes later and Wes got to announce that he was a boy! I was totally not expecting a boy. I felt deep down that he might be a boy but I just couldn't imagine having a boy. I was kind of in shock. No, I was in shock. It took me a a minute (a few days) to settle into the fact that I had a son. I had 1 tiny tear that didn't require stitched and got a bag of saline since I already had the damn heplock in that I ended up not needing at all. He nursed for a pretty good while and then I was ready to be home. I felt really good. Much better than after Nora's birth. I lost was less blood and after the mandatory 2 hours, we went home and got in bed. Nora was totally enamored with the baby but was kind of put off that I couldn't just hold her anymore. I looked at both my sleeping babies. I of course didn't sleep at all because I was a crazy ball of adrenaline and birth hormones but I felt good. I had kidS now. Two of them! 

Part 3: Postpartum healing and adjustment is coming! 

Dearest Noodlebug. age 4

My sweet sweet Nora,
You're my favorite girl and you always will be. We have grown up a lot together in these past 4 years. You have taught me so much about myself and the areas of my weakness. You've helped me exercise grace and patience. You have helped me work on not controlling and slowing down. I'm always working on this. You call me out when I'm being a jerk. You are so funny. The things you say I seriously wonder where/how you came up with it. When I peek in on you playing or singing and you catch me looking at you, you get embarrassed. I apologize then hide better next time so you don't catch me again. You are such a good listener most of the time and you're so mature that its hard for me to remember sometimes that you're still so little and you haven't been on this earth very long. Watching you with your brother simultaneously melts my heart and freaks me out. You have a pretty big case of cute aggression with him.  You just love him so much that you want to squeeze the crap out of him. Most times I know it just LOOKS like you're squeezing but you're really not. "MOM! CAN I TOUCH BROTHER?! HE LOOKS SOOOOOO CUUUUUTE!" is a favorite phrase of mine because I can totally relate.
You started school in September. I knew you needed to branch out a little and socialize because you know, I can get a little boring. You fit in so seamlessly and your teacher tells me how mature and well you play with all the other kids. I was peeking in on you to day and I felt so proud watching you interact and use your manners and smile and be a friend.
You had big year of changes since turning 3. We moved from Phoenix to Paris. We moved from Paris to Sassy and Pappy's house so I could be closer to the birth center. You saw your baby brother only minutes after he was born. You told me, "It's hard having a baby." When you realized you had to share me. My heart felt broken and for a second I felt so guilty having this new baby and having to share myself with you and him. My heart grew but I was/am still missing those days of you and I alone. We then moved back to Paris so we would be with Daddy. I got a job in Plano so we moved back with Sassy and Pappy. We ended up working for a family we didn't fit with. We visited Daddy on weekends. We found a family to work for that we fit perfectly with. Daddy moved to Sassy and Pappy's with us. You started school. We got a new house here and now, here we are. You are turning 4.
You taught me unconditional love so vast. The moment I pulled you up on my chest after I birthed you I fell so deeply in love with you. Our souls and hearts and spirits will always be connected. I hope that you forgive my flaws and see the time and love and effort I put into being securely attached to each other.
As always, I will do my very best to help you pursue your dreams, let you feel your feelings, and love you unconditionally.
You are no longer a baby but you'll always be my baby.

The birth of my son, John. Part 1:Pregnancy

June 2013
I unexpectedly fell pregnant after my IUD fell out. Wes and I both were balls of emotion. He was in motorcycle mechanic school, and I was nannying beyond full time. We were living in Arizona and he would be graduating in January. It was actually a few days before we even talked about being pregnant/feelings about it/plans.  I was cutting up strawberries for a snack for the kids I nannied for and I gagged. I knew in that moment that I was pregnant. That put me at around 3 weeks and I calculated my due date to be the end of February, right around my birthday. I was desperately wanting to be back in Texas to birth my baby in a familiar place with my midwife and birth team that I trusted and loved.

My pregnancy progressed fairly easily. I came to Texas to visit when I was only around 8 weeks and I got to tell most of my family in person. I was very nauseous and dead. dead. dead. tired but never really threw up like I did DAILY with my pregnancy with Nora. I had a feeling in my gut when 2 lines showed up that I would be having a boy. I was scared. I wanted another girl since that was so familiar to me and the deep love I have for my sister, I wanted Nora to experience that as well.

At around 14 weeks, I found a midwife in Gilbert. It was almost an hour drive but I felt ok there. They didn't pressure me to take tests I wanted to decline or have procedures done that I didn't feel were necessary. At the first appointment, Nora, Wes's mom and I got to hear the heartbeat. That is such a relief and "this is real," moment. I trust my body's ability to sustain life and to carry a baby but hearing that little "whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh," is so comforting. Wes had to go to school so we recorded it for him to hear.

Nora was my sweet little partner through all the long days and nights with Wes away working and going to school. He left the house at around 7:30 and wouldn't get home until around 11:45/12 at night so we would usually only see him on Sundays. She did yoga with me. She snuggled with me. She put up with me bitching and being irritable and emotional. When I got pregnant she was still nursing but it was so excruciatingly painful and was making me crawl out of my skin that I gently encouraged her to wean. 1 month before her 3rd birthday she passed the boobies on to the new baby. My big girl. I was so afraid of what I was doing to her. Our bond is so incredibly special and we are so firmly attached that I had real fear that I was going to ruin it forever. Towards the end of my pregnancy I encouraged her to start sleeping on her own bed next to ours to make the transition a little easier. She would stay on her bed most of the night buuuuuuut she would end up back with me by morning most days. :)

At 20 weeks we had an anatomy scan and made it clear, multiple times, loudly that we did NOT want to know the sex of the baby. After a few minutes of measuring etc. I asked the tech, "Is baby measuring on track with my estimated due date?" and she replied, "He.....The baby is measuring right on!" My heart sunk. She had just spoiled the surprise. We walked out of there and I looked at Wes and said, "She ruined it....she said 'he.'"  Wes looked at me and said, "Oh. I thought she said, 'she.'" We both laughed and figured I guess it wasn't ruined.

I was getting stressed and the urge to settle and nest and get allll the baby crap together was strong. Wes couldn't look for a job in Texas until about 6 weeks before we were due to move. I would be 35 weeks by then. He flew into Dallas to interview at Harley of Paris to try and just get us there. He didn't want to leave the place he had grown to love so much but I felt such a pull to be near my family and to have help that he followed that and went to where I needed to be. He got the job and we packed our house up with the help of my mom and sister. We drove to Texas in one day then crashed.

Our house in Paris was really cute but living there was a major culture shock to me. Small town living I was not used to. After being there for only about 2 weeks (37 weeks pregnant) I moved to my mom's house so I could be closer to my birth center in Denton. I was having some real fear that Wes wouldn't make the 2 hour drive to Denton from Paris to see the birth of our child.

At around 38 weeks 2 days I was having some pretty regular prodromal labor at night. Always around 15 minutes apart but still annoying enough to keep me awake. As soon as the sun would come up, they would dissipate. That week I agreed to get checked. I know it doesn't mean a thing but if I was anywhere near 4, I wanted to call Wes and have him close, just for my own peace of mind. I was at a 3 and about 80% effaced. Jean, my midwife asked if we wanted to try some natural induction methods when Wes was in town on Sunday and I agreed.  As much as I wanted to go into labor spontaneously, having my partner, my love there was more important to me. On Sunday morning, February 16,  my sister and doula, Mel, Wes, and I drove up to the birth center to see if we could have a baby.

Dearest Nora Noodlebug, age 2.5

My dearest Norie Noodleygirl,

I have been your mama now for a full two and a half years! (plus about 40 weeks of belly occupation.)

While some days or weeks seem so tough and we both get frustrated at the situation and sometimes with each other, this time has flown by. Daddy and I were looking at pictures of you when your were teeny the other day and I had all these feelings bubble up. I miss you so tiny and snuggly and utterly dependent on us and I equally love watching you grow everyday and become this little human. You are a part of me, walking around, doing annoying things, being a kid, learning, getting dirty, yelling, running, thinking, feeling. Sometimes I feel myself start to lose my patience but when I really dig deep and think about it, its not YOU who is the problem, its me struggling in my own flesh.  I will do my best to remember, you're acting like a 2 year old because you are 2! Sometimes I have these big expectations of you because you are so smart and then I have to remember you are really still so much a baby. You can't always remember to use your words and explain what's wrong. I will do my best to guide you and help you grow. I am committed to you, and there is honestly no other place I'd rather be. 

Here are 15 things about you as a 2.5 year old

1. You know most of the letters know and the phonetical sounds for 6-7 of them

2. At Little Gym your sweet little disposition and attentiveness GLEAM. I was kinda nervous you would be shy but you volunteer to the teacher and introduce yourself to new kids. Attached parenting really does pay off! 

3. Your compassion and attentiveness to emotion melts my heart and makes me feel so blessed.

4. When we lay down at night to have boobie and snuggle you look at me and say, "I love to snuggle you," and every stress of the day immediately melts away

5. You are finally eating more than a snack sized meal a day and are trying so many new foods! You grew an inch this month! 

6. Your obsession for all things "teeeeeeny, tiiiiiiiiny" and miniature was inherited from me.

7. You (mostly) do so well at tasks that used to be a struggle like brushing teeth and washing hair. You say, "GO AWAY PLAQUE!" when we brush.

8. You forcefully kick the covers off us multiple times a night and sleep with your feet propped up on me, same as when you were a newborn.

9. You love being outside and playing in the water.

10. You just learned to countdown from 5.

11. You really like dubstep, or as you call it, "bumpy music," and nod your little head to it

12. Sometimes when you're ready for bed, you go to my jammie drawer and grab out my jammies and bring them to me. 

13. You like to stand on the chair in the kitchen and help me cook, and you always bus your dish after you're done eating.

14. Your favorite movie is The Lorax.

15. Going to "sting" (Mustang) Library is one of your favorite weekly activities. 

I love you forever sweet girl.

All my love, 

Mama

The birth of my firstborn daughter, Nora Grace 10-8-10

Nora turns 2.5 this week. I feel like I need to finally post our birth story. I had a 6+ page word document written soon after but it somehow got deleted. Blah. So many small details are gone but here we go!


When I was around 5-6 months pregnant I started nannying full-time for one of my good friend's babies, then aged 8 months and 2.5. I woke up on the morning of October 8th (the day before my EDD) feeling normal. I started getting ready for work and thought that I may be leaking some fluid. I called the kids dad and told him I was going to run by the midwives office and then head that way when I figured out it was all normal. I was in total denial most of my labor. I had settled into the idea that she would be 2 weeks late, as most first time mamas go 8-9 days overdue.

A few weeks prior, I had really clicked with the student midwife at the birth center and had agreed to let her attend my birth. Her name is Emily. I called the birth center and asked if I could move my afternoon 40 week appointment up to just check it out and go on my merry way. I agreed to be checked so Emily could test for amniotic fluid and the mentor midwife, Jean checked me for dilation/effacemeant. I hadn't planned on getting checked because I was worried I would get my expectations up PLUS I didn't really want any unneeded vaginal exmas but I was just really curious. Turns out I wasn't leaking fluid, just discharge. Boring. But, I was 5cm dilated and 80% effaced with a bulging bag of water. Jean looked at me and said, "You're having a baby tonight. Or this weekend at least." Denial. She asked if I wanted my membranes stripped to which I replied, "Ummmm sure." In retrospect I would have skipped this but whatever. My membranes were stripped. Which sucked. And Emily held my hand while I shouted, "This freaking sucks." Jean told me to call into work and go pick up Wes from work. She also said I should go grab a pump from target to see if nipple stimulation did anything. So I called into work and went to pick up Wes. He was working at a desk due to having been in a severe motorcycle accident 3 weeks prior. By this time it was around 11. I was having some spotting and the awesome heavy discharge so I put a pad on and went to target to grab some coconut water, fruit, and pump just in case. We got home around 12:00 and I decided I should throw together a bag and try and nap in case something happened.

At around 1:30  my first contraction hit. Hard. I looked at Wes. He was kind dozing off on the bed, watching TV. About 4 minutes later, another. I got out the timer and sat on the birth ball. I was thinking, "ok, this is the beginning! This weekend I will have a baby!" I still wasn't too excited and was trying to be calm since I figured most first time moms labor from 12-24 hours. I started timing my contractions just to see. 90 seconds long, 4 minutes apart for about an hour. I told Wes I think I need to call the midwife. I was getting through them pretty well but was just unsure due to the closeness of them. Jean answered the phone and said, "I knew I'd see you this afternoon!"

We got to the birth center around 2:30, (my concept of time from here on out is a rough estimate.) Emily checked me and found I was 7cm 100% effaced with a BULGING bag of water. They asked if I wanted to break my waters and I agreed to. In hindsight, I think I would have not because it sped my labor way up and it was intense and hard to wrap my head around. They began filling the birth tub while I rocked on the ball and chatted between contractions. One of my favorite ladies and birth assistant, Patty, was joking I wasn't 7cm because I was still laughing. Well that was over prettttty quickly after that. Wes had turned on a CD for me, the only one there that remotely sounded appealing was enya. So enya it was. On repeat. My whole labor. Once I got in the birth pool I felt relaxed and was breathing and holding Wes' hand through contractions. He was putting cool rags on my face and chest and giving me water. I got so hot and pissed I had to get out and back on the ball. I rocked while holding on to one of the big bed posts. I transitioned on the ball. I told my birth assistant and midwife that my body didn't know how to do this. I was thinking, ok, I need a c-section. This sucks. I told Wes to shut the f!*$ up. I kept saying I wanted to go home when they asked me what I wanted to do. I tried pushing a little on the bed but it didn't feel right so I decided to rock and work with gravity some more to move her down. They knew she would be here soon!

I got back in the tub but couldn't figure out how to push and brace myself etc. so I got out and got on the bed. Tried to lay on my side. No. Ow. Can't. Back on the ball and started pushing at the end of my contractions. I was doing low vocalizations and when I started to tense up, Patty reminded me to breathe my baby down and be loose and relax.  Then I wanted on the bed. Wes was sitting on one side of me and Patty was on the other. I had tunnel vision. All I could see was Patty's face and hear her saying, "You're doing this! You will be holding your baby so soon! You're a birth warrior!" I was ready to be done.  I felt soooo much pressure and Jean told me my baby was right there and it wasn't going to go away in between contractions anymore. I felt the infamous ring of fire and started pushing SO HARD. Pretty sure I was so primal and roaring/screaming out my baby at this point. Everyone kept saying how much hair she had! Her head came out and with another push so did her body at 5:47pm. She was placed on my bare chest and I was filled with the biggest love, pride, relief, and accomplishment of my life. As soon as she emerged a wave if water came up to my neck and drenched the entire side of Wes' body. Her head was blocking all the amniotic fluid from coming out when my water was broken. Her hand was up by her nose and her head was acynclitic (cockeyed) which caused me to have a second degree tear.


When I was around 5-6 months pregnant I started nannying full-time for one of my good friend's babies, then aged 8 months and 2.5. I woke up on the morning of October 8th (the day before my EDD) feeling normal. I started getting ready for work and thought that I may be leaking some fluid. I called the kids dad and told him I was going to run by the midwives office and then head that way when I figured out it was all normal. I was in total denial most of my labor. I had settled into the idea that she would be 2 weeks late, as most first time mamas go 8-9 days overdue.

of me while I was stitched, unstitched, and stitched again. I have never fallen more in love withy husband than when I saw him holding our child, with her new little face, upturned towards him. My mom, dad and sister came in to meet her after I was stitched up. My dad and sister went to get me some whataburger while we nursed for the first time and dressed her.

We left the birth center and were home in bed by around 9 that night. I didn't sleep for like 3 days because I couldn't stop staring at her face and was on such an amazing natural birth high. I wish every woman could have the opportunity to feel so powerful and triumphant. Birthing my baby naturally helped me to trust my body and see how strong and powerful I am. I am a woman. I was made to do this.























 some bleeding so I was given some drugs to help. I help this little stranger who was a part of me while I was stitched, unstitched, and stitched again. I have never fallen more in love withy husband than when I saw him holding our child, with her new little face, upturned towards him. My mom, dad and sister came in to meet her after I was stitched up. My dad and sister went to get me some whataburger while we nursed for the first time and dressed her.

We left the birth center and were home in bed by around 9 that night. I didn't sleep for like 3 days because I couldn't stop staring at her face and was on such an amazing natural birth high. I wish every woman could have the opportunity to feel so powerful and triumphant. Birthing my baby naturally helped me to trust my body and see how strong and powerful I am. I am a woman. I was made to do this.

Time passes. Love grows.

The very second I found out I was pregnant I fell deeply in love. When the little human I was growing for 40 weeks was placed on my chest, my heart exploded and my love grew. She smiled at me for the first time, she crawled, first birthday, my love grew. As each day passes, my Herat really does grow. Today Nora was taking to me and recalling details of the day and doing funny voices. As I stared into the eyes of this little human that is an extension of me and a separate entity all her own, I tumbled down the depths of love and fell even harder. Being a mom is hard. Sometimes I want to yell, sometimes it's lonely, or boring, or frustrating. Stopping, disconnecting from technology and just watching and listening to her gets it back in perspective.

In other non-sappy news, Wes is doing extremely excellent in school and has around 9 months left. Being out here with him has grown us together so incredibly much. We always have been best friends (7 years!) but this test has concreted us together and I'm so thankful for it.
I'm goin to really try and blog more for my own memory's sake and for the sake of remembering the small, "mundane" little things that actually make up the big parts of who we are.